


More to love

by yoyomi



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Anorexia, Bulimia, Bullying, Depression, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Eating Disorders, Insecurity, M/M, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-13
Updated: 2019-10-03
Packaged: 2020-06-27 16:36:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 8,761
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19794784
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yoyomi/pseuds/yoyomi
Summary: also available on wattpad [user : softyeollie ]minseok loved food.until everyone told him not to.jongdae loved his life.and he wanted minseok to do so, too.- tw -





	1. sun

**Author's Note:**

> if you're easily triggered then please do not read this book.  
> though in the end, you are the one deciding what to do.
> 
> if you can relate to any character and feel like talking on the internet with a stranger could help, i am here.
> 
> please comment and leave a kudos
> 
> stay hydrated

_kim minseok, born march 26, 1990_  
  
  
  
  
minseok loved food.  
he really did.  
whenever he saw anything he wanted, he would beg his mother to buy it for him. you would always see him eating.  
may it be sweets, bread rolls or his favourite; baozi. he loved baozis the most. the way the smelled, the way they looked and the way they tasted.  
he loved it, really.  
minseok was a chubby but sweet kid. he was always laughing and when he wasn't eating, which was really rare, he would run through the small apartment, his tiny sword in his small, chubby hands chasing after his older sister.  
the game was called 'chase the dragon' and was created by the kim siblings. one of them would dress up as a dragon and the other one as a knight.  
and then they would start chasing each other.  
  
  
as minseok got older, his love for food didn't fade away a bit. actually it got 'worse' as some people would say.  
minseok was always searching for food, for breakfast, lunch and dinner he ate almost as much as his sister and his mom together. and between his meals he would eat snacks.  
many snacks.  
but vegetables and fruits couldn't be found on his menu. that was probably the only kind of food minseok hated.  
he despised carrots, cucumbers and especially cabbage.  
strawberries and bananas were okay though.  
sometime he would even eat an apple. sometimes. when he was sick, maybe. or maybe not.  
but minseok was still small and young, he didn't understand the 'healthy lifestyle'. while his sister wanted to grow up as soon as possible, he didn't. he didn't want to be healthy and to eat fruits and vegetables everyday.  
no, he really did not want it.  
  
  
  
while everyone in his elementary school would bring fruits and maybe a bit chocolate to school, minseok had a whole menu in his box. fried rice, meat, many sweets, sometimes one or two strawberries and of course at least three baozis.  
and still, his classmates would give their food to him, just to stop his tummy growling. and when he came home from school, his mom would already have cooked for him. even though she knew, it was unhealthy for a kid to eat so much, she just wanted minseok to be happy.  
she was a hardworking single mother and the only time she would really see both of her kids, was at the dinner table.  
could you blame her?  
she just wanted the best for her kids and since minseok was the happiest when he was eating, she wanted to see that sparkle in his eyes as often as possible. and as long minseok wasn't unhappy, everything was okay.  
  
  
minseok loved how his tummy was so squishy. he thought it was cute.  
his tummy even had a name.  
tumtum it was.  
and whenever tumtum was sad, he would go to his mom, saying loud and pulling softly on her jeans, "mommy! mommy! tumtum is really hungry! can we have a snack?" and he would look up to his mom with a cute smile.  
who could resist such a cute boy?  
well, his mother couldn't.  
and when he came back ten minutes later, asking the same, his mother still couldn't resist. she just couldn't, she tried it so many times. it just never worked.  
  
  
oh, minseok couldn't care less about his body.  
  
he still had friends, he still would eat whenever he wanted to.  
  
yes, minseok loved himself.  
  
but not everyone did, too.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
_kim jongdae, born september 21, 1992_  
  
  
  
  
jongdae was a happy little baby. as long as he could remember, he's always been smiling.  
his mum wrote in her diary how the first thing he did was smiling at her.  
right after he was born, after he opened his eyes and saw his mother, he smiled at her. it was a small, toothless smile.  
but it was enough for his mother to know that she had to protect him at all cost.  
and she did.  
  
when jongdae was around two years old, his house caught fire. his mother woke up to his screams and cries.  
jongdae was truly afraid.  
as a little baby he didn't know what happened. but as the flames started burning down his favourite stuffies and started to surround him, he couldn't feel anything else but fear.  
he screamed for his mother to come and get him, to come and tell him everything's okay. but it seemed like she didn't hear him.  
not until the door swung open and his mother ran towards him. "mommy, mommy!" jongdae raised his hands, he wanted to cuddle to his mum so bad.  
she picked him up and started to run again. she pressed her sons head against her chest, wanting him to breathe in as little smoke as possible.  
oh, what a hero she was.  
  
she started coughing but didn't stop running trough the labyrinth of flames. not until a bar fell down on her.  
within a second she pushed jongdae to the ground, making sure to not hurt him.  
  
and she got buried.  
  
"mommy! mommy!" the little boy could only see his moms face. and her sad but loving smile. "run, little boy. mommy loves you so much." her voice was only a whisper. "daedae love mommy too!" jongdae cried and got up on his small feet. he started waddling towards the front door.  
if he could get out safely, he would see his mother again, right?  
  
  
he didn't.  
  
after that incident, jongdae never saw the face of his mother again. she died as soon as the firemen arrived.  
jeong minjeun, his mothers best friend, adopted him. even though she knew she was busy.  
and even though she knew, she had to work the day, she would still stay awake for her boy when he couldn't sleep.  
at the end, he was everything for her now.  
jongdae knew that his new mother wasn't really happy. she didn't have that sparkle in her eyes whenever she smiled. he could only see her exhaustion, and he did not like it.  
so he made a decision.  
  
"i'm going to double my happiness for mommy min!" it sounded stupid, but for him it was the only way to fix everything.  
he would smile double as much, just for her. he would joke, sing happy songs, laugh a lot, just for his mother.  
and when she found someone who loved her truly, who earned enough money for three and who raised jongdae like his own son, the boy knew he didn't have to double his happiness anymore.  
because now, his mother could smile on her own.  
  
  
and when he saw the chubby boy's tears, he decided to start doubling his happiness again.  
  
this time for the boy with the cute chubby cheeks.  
  
  
  
  
**if you're sensitive with topics like bullying, starving, self-hate and homosexuality you should not read this book.**  
**english is not my first language, so i could make some mistakes.**  
**however, if you find some, please let me know so i am able to improve.**


	2. nueng

_**wake up, cry, eat, cry, go to school, cry, go home, cry, do homework, cry, eat, cry, sleep and repeat.** _

_that was minseoks daily life._

_ok, it wasn't always like that._

_on weekends he cried much more. and sometimes he wouldn't sleep. as you may see now, minseoks life consisted of crying. that was literally the only productive thing he did._

_and the fact made him cry even harder. the boy always thought he should get awarded for crying the most. he probably could end the thirst in africa with his tears. maybe. he wished._

_but why was his life like that?_

_it wasn't always just tears and...tears. no no, there were other things, too. happiness, food, love, friendship._

_but then he had to move._

_and from on his life went downhill. like...a stone rolling down a hill. or, well he didn't know. and he didn't care. his older sister got sick and had to live in the hospital, his mother lost her job and had to work as a cleaning woman. he had to transfer school and had to start new._

_did it work?_

_of course not._

_otherwise he wouldn't practice crying for his own contest. minseok got bullied. and it got worse day by day._

_but why exactly?_

_you see, minseok was a bit chubbier than the boys in his school. he didn't have abs and muscles all around his body. he didn't have that sharp jaw that was able to cut through paper._

_no, no, no._

_minseok had a small tummy, always being sucked in to look thinner. it wasn't that large, just not as small as it was supposed to be. he also had chubby, round cheeks, making him looking way younger than he actually was. minseok had kind of large thighs. for his mom, they looked normal. but for him and the people at his school, they were fat._

_just fat._

_no muscles or bones, no._

_they consisted of only fat. and let's not forget his hands. his fingers weren't slim and thin. they were chubby. you couldn't see his veins._

_and that's why they called him chubby. in school, nobody called him by is actual name. it got so bad, that sometimes even teachers would call out "chubby" when asking him something._

_slowly, minseok started to identify as 'chubby'. for him, minseok didn't exist anymore. just 'chubby' did. he didn't like being called minseok anymore. to some people his behaviour might seemed like a way too dramatic reaction to something so small, but when the only time you were being called by your own name was when your mother called you for dinner, wouldn't you too feel weird?_

_and minseok was a teenager. which meant puberty which again meant identity crisis._

_he didn't react when his mother talked to him. he didn't say anything when his sister shouted at him, wanting him to visit her more. minseok was gone, replaced by the fat boy who didn't have any other talent than crying._

_he couldn't even starve._

_or diet._

_'chubby' couldn't do anything._

_he could just sit, cry and hope to not wake up the next day._

TO - DO LIST

[x] cry

[x] do homework

[x] skip dinner

[ ] get thinner

[ ] fall in love

[ ] be beautiful

[ ] be happy

[ ] survive

minseok sighed as he looked at the list. crying, doing homework and skipping dinner once a while wasn't hard. in fact, he got used to it. but the rest wasn't easy. the hardest was probably number eight.

survive.

how the hell was he supposed to do that?

"minseok! minseok, dinner's ready!" he heard his mother. but he didn't react. " mom, minseok isn't here anymore." he whispered, folding the paper and hiding it under his pillow. he heard steps and soon after his mother appeared. "minseok, my lovely baozi. come, let's eat. like we used to, right?" his mother smiled sadly at him. she didn't know what exactly was going on, she only saw that food didn't make minseok happy anymore.

actually, nothing did.

"mom, i'm not hungry." the boy didn't look at his mother. he didn't want her to see how broken he was. kim bonghee sighed. "alright, i will leave something for you to eat tomorrow. do you want to watch a movie, at least?" "i-" minseok wanted to deny. but he missed his mother so much, so he didn't. he raises his head and smiled to her, nodding slightly. "i would love to." that made his mother smile, too.

maybe, her son was going to be ok someday.

minseok had a hard time staying awake. he was cuddled up next to his mother, his head laying on her chest. bonghee softly stroke his hair while watching the movie.

minseok was calm.

that was probably the first time he was. and he didn't cry this time. if he could, he would always fall asleep next to his mother, she would be stroking his hair till his eyes closed.

but he couldn't.

minseok was 16 turning 17 soon. and a teenager couldn't sleep next to his mother. and he didn't want to be a burden to her. he yawned quietly, making his mother chuckle. "go to bed, sweetie." she kissed his forehead, making minseok feel safe. "get some rest, my handsome little boy, huh?" she smiled, squishing his cheeks together. "mooom, let go of me!" bonghee just laughed and let go of her son.

but minseok didn't move at all.

"seokie, why won't you get up? does my baby want me to bring him to bed and to tuck him up?" she laughed a bit. minseok rolled his eyes and sighed. "no, mom. i'm gonna sleep now, don't stay up too long." she ruffled his hair, making him groan in frustation. "i will, i will. hush, go, go, go." minseok got up and went to his room. he undressed himself quickly and lied down. another sigh escaped his lips.

actually, yes. he wanted his mom to bring him to bed, to sing him to sleep, to tuck him up.

just to be here.

because he knew she loved him.

but she was the only one who did.

and minseok couldn't be more greatful.

after all, he hated himself.


	3. song

minseok hated school. he hated how people would start to whisper as soon as he entered the building. how they would laugh when he got an answer wrong. how they would take pictures when he had p.e.

how they would throw things at him whenever he was in the library to study.

yes, he really hated it.

  
after his math class ended, minseok made his way to his locker. his next class was science and he needed his book. 90 minutes of useless jabbering and he would have lunch break. when he stood in front of his locker and raised his hand to unlock the door, someone called him.

  
"hey, chubby!"

  
someone.

  
his _favorite_ human being.

  
kim changmin.

  
he slowly turned around, looking into his face. changmin was grinning widely at him, but his eyes showed clearly how disgusted he felt. he put his hand on minseok's shoulder, slowly pressing his fingers into minseok's soft skin. 

  
"i see, you're still fat. man, aren't you embarassed? how can you go out looking like _that_?"  
changmin let finally go of him and took out a tissue to wipe his hands.

for him, minseok was disgusting.

like trash.

the boy was looking at his feet, he was too scared to look at the other.

"i want you to empty your bag."

minseok nodded hesitantely and kneed down, placing his bag next to him on the ground. he slowly started to empty his black bag. loose papers, books, loose pens, a water bottle. there wasn't really anything interesting in his bag.

"hurry up, fat kid!"

changmin kicked him in his shoulder. he whimpered quietly and hurried up. minseok didn't get why changmin wanted him to empty his bag, not until he took out his lunch box. 

"wait, wait." changmin took the box and grinned again. "chubby, you're still eating? shouldn't you diet?" changmin laughed and opened the baby blue box. "a sandwich and three baozis. man, no wonder you're fat. don't you know how many calories things like that have?"

yes, minseok knew. he had once googled the calories of one of those 'things' after bingeing on 15 at midnight. but his mother always made him something for breakfast before she would leave.

and minseok just loved his mother's cooking too much to not eat everything she made. 

  
"here, let me show you." changmin took out one of the baozis and ripped it in half. he then pressed the bun together, holding it over minseok's head. "they're even filled with red bean paste. tsk, tsk, tsk. chubby, you can't just eat that. the only thing that should be on your menu is starving, i thought you knew."

minseok felt his hair getting wet. the paste was dripping onto his head. he clenched his fists and bit his lip. he tried really hard to not cry.

minseok felt pathetic, really pathetic.

and yes, he knew he should starve himself.

but he couldn't.

he loved food too much. 

  
changmin now had pressed all three baozis together, minseok's hair was full of red bean paste and dough. and the boy was crying. silently, but his body was still shaking.

"awe, are you crying? chubby, no. don't cry. let me wipe away your tears, yes?" changmin said mockingly and took the sandwich. he kneed in front of him and raised his head. and then he started wiping away his tears.

but not like you'd imagine, no.

changmin used the sandwich. and rubbed it all over minseok's face.

"and now..." changmin opened his mouth forcefully and grinned. "eat." and he stuffed the wet and destroyed bread into minseok's mouth. the boy was a sobbing mess by now.

but changmin just laughed.

"look how pathetic you are, chubby. how pathetic, disgusting and fat." he stood up and took out his phone. minseok could hear a click sound, changmin just took a photo of him.

and then he left.

leaving minseok alone, his school things surrounding him, with his sticky and wet hair and a sandwich stuffed in his mouth. sobbing loudly.

  
"stupid teacher, can't get their chalk on their own. why don't they just carry - oh."

  
someone was there. but minseok didn't care. the person would leave, being disgusted by him. and the person would laugh at him.

"hey, kiddo. are you okay- oh my god, what happened?" the brown haired boy looked down to him, his eyes widen in shock. "wait, let me... i'm gonna get something." he mumbled and ran away.

and that made minseok cry harder.

he didn't even know why. he just wanted his normal life back. 

  
the boy came back, holding a paper bag in his hands. he kneed in front of him, just like changmin. "spit that shit out." he mumbled and held the bag in front of his face. minseok obeyed again and spat the bread into the paper bag. the boy looked disgusted as he threw it away, but he didn't say anything.

when he came back, he started to put his things back into his bag, closing it and strapping it on his shoulder. he smiled down to minseok and held out his hand. "come on, get up, kiddo." minseok looked a while at his hand and stood up, without taking it. the boy looked confused for a short time but still smiled.

"we should get you clean up, don't you think so?"

  
minseok couldn't answer. the boy took his hand and started to go to the bathroom. even though he didn't seem to mind, minseok felt uncomfortable as hell. but he knew that he couldn't pull his hand away, so he endured the urge to pull it away.

when they arrived, the boy put his bag down on the ground and turned around to minseok, finally letting go of his hand. 

"i haven't introduced myself, have i? my name's jongdae."

  
and he smiled again.


	4. sam

"man, what the hell is this?" jongdae scrunched his nose and looked at the small piece of dough in his hand.   
he then looked to minseok but the boy kept his head low.   
  
he didn't want to look him in the eyes.   
  
"wait, is this- aw come on!" jongdae started whining. "how could they do that to such a lovely piece of heaven? i mean, baozis filled with..." minseok felt the others fingers in his hair again. "red bean paste? oh jesus."   
and while the other was whining around, trying to remove as much of the food as possible, minseok didn't say a word.   
he felt tense all the time.   
but who wouldn't?   
honestly, he just waited for the moment where jongdae would start laughing about his pathetic self.   
  
  
"uh, kiddo? take of your shirt."

minseok widened his eyes and pushed the other away as hard as possible.   
well, it was more of soft little push since minseok wasn't really strong.   
"w-what?" he looked up and quickly hugged himself, looking to jongdae in fear and shock.   
what was he planning? did he want to see minseok's fat? to take pictures? and make him feel even worse?   
  
"hey..." jongdae smiled softly at him. "i just think it'd be the easiest if we wash your hair in the sink. there's still much left and i just don't want your uniform to get wet. you know, the teachers wouldn't like that at all."   
the boy laughed slightly and then shook his head. "i- oh wait!" entusiastically jongdae clapped one time. "wait here, i'll be back in five!" and with that the other stormed out of the bathroom, leaving minseok alone.   
  
minseok took a deep breath and walked to the sinks. he turned the water on and started washing his hands and face slowly. right as the cold water touched his face, he began to calm down.   
"you're okay, minseok." he looked up and saw his reflection.   
and even though he was on the verge of tears again and even though he just wanted to scream and punch the mirror to stop it from showing such a disgrace, he kept calm. he just starred, his empty eyes not even noticing his chubby cheeks.   
  
  
he was looking at his own reflection but he still didn't see himself.  
  


"i am back! look, i got my gym jacket and my towel. here, take it. it can get wet." jongdae grinned widely, not even noticing the others sad, empty eyes.   
minseok needed some seconds until he was able to turn away, eyeing the other boy. he then lowered his look and saw the red jacket that was held out for him to take it. "i..." he nodded. "okay." minseok hesitantly took the jacket and went to one of the cabins.   
he closed the door and locked it.   
"but hurry up! we don't have time all day, do we?"   
minseok nodded again, knowing that he couldn't see it.   
but he still took of his uniform as slow as possible, shutting his eyes.   
  
he felt it.   
  
the fat.   
he felt it when he put the jacket on.   
closing the zipper he opened his eyes again.   
minseok looked down. the jacket felt really comfortable, he liked the feeling of wearing it. and... minseok slowly raised the sleeve and sniffed quickly.   
jongdae smelled good.   
another plus point for the jacket.   
  
_what am i thinking?_ , minseok quickly shook his head and opened the door again. he stepped out only to be led to the sinks by jongdae.   
"now, let's wash your hair!" he wanted to protest, saying that he could do it on his own, but jondgae's movements were so much faster.   
after a few seconds, minseok could already feel the other's hands in his hair and hear the cold water splashing around.

  
and honestly...  
  


it felt...good. jongdae washed his hair softly, as if he could break suddenly. he also hummed a melody.   
but still, minseok had never washed his hair in a sink before.   
so it still felt weird somehow.   
  
"there, all done! now we only need to dry your hair and you'll look handsome again."   
  
he wanted to laugh. there wasn't a way someone like him would ever look handsome.   
minseok wanted to laugh at jongdae's words. or did he want to cry? he didn't know.   
the other slowly pulled his head up again, smiling at him. he took the towel and started to rub his hair dry. "i can do that, too..." minseok mumbled shyly, reaching out for the towel. "nope, let me finish what i've started!" jongdae giggled again.   
and so minseok obeyed and let his hands sink.   
while his hair got dried, he played quietly with the hem of the jacket.   
  
"voila! now it's all okay." the boy pulled the towel away and looked at him. and then, he laughed.   
and of course minseok felt bad again.   
  
_is he laughing about me? do i look ugly and weird?_   
  
he quickly turned to the mirror. yes, he looked weird. his hair was sticking out in every direction, making him looking even uglier than he already did.   
minseok bit his lip hardly and started to run his fingers through his hair, trying to make it look somewhat acceptable.   
"kid, what are you doing? your hair won't look like that forever, don't worry. you still look cute." the last sentence made minseok drop his hands and hold his breath.   
  
_cute. cute. cute. cute? where? why is he always joking around? i hate it!_ , he thought. "b-but you l-laughed..." why couldn't he talk without stuttering? just another prove that he was in fact a pathetic human being.   
jongdae shook his head, grinning. "i didn't laugh about you but about me! i didn't even ask for your name." he giggled again, folding his towel. "so? what's your name, kiddo?"

minseok gulped and looked down.

"k-kim m-minseok..." he stuttered. but he spoke so quietly, it'd be a wonder if the other actually heard him.

"what did you say? you need to talk louder."

of course he didn't.

minseok opened his mouth and closed it almost immediately. was he really going to say 'minseok'? he wasn't a liar, was he? no, of course not.

"chubby. my name is chubby."

this time he spoke loud and clear.

and he could hear jongdae gasping.

"you? chubby? the fat kid everyone talks about?" he sounded shocked. "i- i gotta go!"

and with that, he left.

leaving minseok alone in the boys bathroom, him still wearing the jacket.

leaving him all by himself, his tears the only one comforting him.

so, minseok started sobbing and crying, like a pathetic person.

because that was just what he was.

pathetic.

and the soft fabric soaked in all the water, leaving only dark spots.


	5. si

minseok didn't know why he had even exited the bathroom. he didn't know why he had left the jacket at the caretaker's office. he didn't know why he had gone to the cafeteria and he didn't know why he had sat down on his usual spot.   
minseok only knew that he wished he hadn't done anything of that.   
because as soon as the other students noticed him, the laughing started. people were pointing at him, girls were whispering and giggling, showing each other something on their phones.   
  
  
it seemed like changmin had sent everyone the picture.  
  


minseok balled his fists and looked down. he inspected his legs and felt his cheeks getting wet.   
he surely was fat, right? he had huge thighs.   
well, his whole body was huge.   
  
huge and disgusting.  
  
  


"why is everyone laughing?" someone sat down on the table next to him. minseok knew who.

"oh, you haven't seen it yet?" a girl giggled. "seen what?" jongdae was confused. he looked around and saw minseok. "there you go, look how pathetic." the girl held her phone in front of him and showed him a picture. but before jongdae could react to it, everyone turned silent.  
  


minseok had stood up rapidly, causing the chair to fall down. he sobbed loudly and left his table. he started running, leaving the cafeteria.   
he ran and ran, crying at the same time.   
he was done.   
minseok was done with everything.   
he hated his life so much.  
  


he stopped running as soon as he reached the garden of their school. his school loved the nature so they took especially care of the garden.

and it was beautiful.  
  


the grass was green and sparkled in the sun, flowers were blooming and the apple tree started to bloom, too.

it was spring.

minseok loved spring.  
  


still sobbing, he sat down on the grass, hugging his legs and hiding his face. slowly, he rocked himself back and forth, his body was shaking with every sob that left his mouth.   
  
  
"calm down, don't panic, minseok. you're okay, you're alone now. calm down, calm down."

it took him a while to stop crying.

at least he didn't have a panic attack.

but even though he wasn't crying anymore, he kept hugging himself. someone had to comfort him, right?  
  
  


"you know, the next time you shouldn't leave your stuff all alone."

the boy dropped his bag next to him, sighing softly.

"they wanted to fill it with food, disgusting. don't worry, i took your bag before they could actually do it."

the boy sat down in front of him, crossing his legs.

"why are you here?" minseok whispered. he didn't look up, he couldn't. he was too scared to face jongdae.

the latter sighed again.

"yeah uhm... i'm sorry for that. it was really stupid, i was being an asshole. i was just, shocked, you know? of course i heard people talking about a fat kid but i could never imagine you being the one. i mean, why do they bully someone as cute as you?" he laughed quietly. "yes, i really don't get it. but don't worry, i won't do the same to you." minseok could even hear him smiling.   
  
"will you now look at me? don't be scared, baozi."

the name made minseok look up. "baozi?" he asked, tilting his head in confusion.

jongdae grinned and nodded, taking his lunchbox out of his bag. "yes, i don't want to call you kiddo all the time. it's a cute name, isn't it? and i mean, it's how we got to know each other." minseok just shrugged, hoping his stomach would keep quiet as he watched the other taking out his food.   
but of course it didn't.   
you could probably hear it growling miles away.   
  
minseok felt like his cheeks burned and he quickly hid his face again.  
  


but jongdae only laughed. "hungry? here, you can have some. my mother made too much anyway." he held out a sandwich for him, smiling happily.   
"thank you..." minseok muttered and took the soft bread, starting to munch on it.   
  
"do you like grapes? my mum always tries to make me eat them but i just don't like it at all. do you?"  
  
he nodded again, taking the green grapes from the other.

he plopped one into his mouth and started to eat.

"why aren't you looking at me? am i that ugly?"

minseok shook his head furiously. "n-no! i just-" jongdae's laugh interrupted him. "it was just a joke, baozi. don't worry, i know i'm handsome."  
  


minseok smiled to himself. it was a small, barely seen smile. but it was there.  
he wished he was as confident as the other, he really did.   
  
  
it must feel great, knowing you're beautiful.  
  
  


and so he spent his lunch break with jongdae.

he listened to the others voice, to his laugh and to his whining.

he watched him laying down on the grass, sighing in comfort.

he watched him packing his things and standing up.

and he watched him leaving, a big smile plastered on his face.

he was sure that it wasn't jongdae's intention to make him feel like that.

but after he left, minseok felt even more alone.

and he hated himself even more.

feeling the grapes he had eaten turn to fat, feeling his body getting heavier every second, knowing he had just gained weight, minseok started to cry.  
  
  
  


_i just want to be beautiful and skinny._


	6. ha

minseok was laying on his bed, looking up to the ceiling. "how many calories does crying burn?", he mumbled, wiping away his tears.   
  
  
calories, calories, calories.   
that was everything he was thinking about.   
when he woke up, the first thing on his mind would be food.   
  
  
how much would he eat today? how much would he have to exercise? would he even eat?  
  


how many calories does an apple have? how many sit ups would he have to do to burn those calories?  
  
  
  


"minseok!" someone called him.   
"minseok!" he wasn't listening.   
the boy didn't want to talk to anyone at all.   
"minseok!" he sighed. "i'm coming!" getting up, minseok looked in the mirror.   
but it wasn't him who he was seeing. it was just a fat boy.   
"so nothing's changed, huh?" he shook his head and smiled disappointingly. chubby cheeks, a fat tummy and fat thighs. disgusting arms and calves. even his neck was fat. his hair was sticking out in every direction, too.   
"i look even more disgusting than i usually do." minseok laughed sadly and ruffled his hair. it was slowly getting greasy as well.   
  
the boy sighed and took out a blue beanie out of his drawer. putting it on, he went downstairs and was directly greeted by his mother. "minnie, what took you so long? your sister is coming home today, don't you remember?" she playfully hit him and chuckled.   
minseok smiled, too.   
his mother was right.   
  
his sister was finally coming back. minhee had been in the hospital for almost a year and now she was finally coming back.   
he couldn't wait for her to move in the room next to his again.   
"i didn't forget it, don't worry. do you need my help or something?" his mother smiled and gave him a piece of paper. "that's a list of the things i still need. i forgot them when i was grocery shopping yesterday. could you maybe do it now? and hurry up!" quietly laughing, he nodded and put on his shoes.   
kissing his mother's cheek, he waved and left the house.   
  
minseok ignored his growling and aching stomach, he ignored his shaky legs and his tired eyes.   
"oh please, i had an apple for breakfast yesterday. don't be such a dramatic bitch." minseok mumbled and rolled his eyes.   
  
  
when he arrived at the grocery store, he took out the shopping list and started to collect the things written on it. "soy sauce, soy sauce... ah, there it is!" the boy reached out for the soy sauce. it was the last bottle. "i've seen it first!" another boy said and grabbed the bottle before minseok was able to.   
"huh? baozi?" he looked up and saw jongdae grinning at him, the bottle in his hand. "i-i need it." he mumbled and pointed to it.   
the other boy frowned and sighed a while afterwards. "you can have it. but only under one condition." he started to grin again. "what do you want?" minseok lowered his head, expecting the worst. "first of all, raise your head. i won't hurt you, buddy." he obeyed and looked up. "and second of all, let's hang out someday, okay?"   
  
that was it? jongdae didn't want anything else? confused, minseok hesitanly nodded. "great! that'll be fun! let's go and pay for all of this, right?" with those words, jongdae went to the cash register of the store, minseok fastly followed him. when they had both paid for their groceries, they left the store.   
minseok wanted to go home as fast as possible, but jongdae seemed to have other plans for the two. "ey! baozi! wait, let's go home together." jongdae pushed his bike till he was next to minseok, smiling at him. "here, get on. i'll take you home, okay?" he shook his head. "no need to, thank you." mumbling, minseok lowered his head again. 'he couldn't get on the bike, it would crash.   
and jongdae wouldn't be able to leave the place with him sitting behind him.   
he was just... too fat for it.   
  
"oh please, don't be a party pooper. get on, will you?" even though minseok barely knew the other, he knew that jongdae wouldn't accept a no. "fine." he murred and got on the bike. the groceries were safely put in his backpack. "lay your arms around my waist and hold on to me, okay? we don't want you to fall, do we?" gulping, he did as he was told. and even though he knew that jongdae didn't mean to, he felt tears forming.   
  
  
because jongdae was just so skinny, so damn skinny.   
  
  
it didn't feel like he was sucking in his stomach, he just was skinny.   
  
  
and minseok wanted that, too. he wanted it so bad.  
  
  
  
  
  


"ready? let's go then!"

and jongdae started pedaling, a big smile on his face.

the ride back home took minseok longer than he had expected. it was all just because jongdae kept on taking the wrong way, just to ride down hills. but honestly, he didn't really mind.   
  
it was fun.

as they arrived at minseok's house, the boy got off the bike and smiled slightly at the other. "thank you, for taking me home, i guess." just as jongdae was about to answer, the door to minseok's house opened and his mother started calling out for him. "minseok! what took you so long? your sister is already there! i told you to hurry u- oh. is this your friend, minnie?"   
jongdae grinned.   
"minnie?" he whispered and shook his head.   
also getting off the bike, he bowed politely. "hello. my name is kim jongdae, nice to meet you!" he smiled happily. minseok rolled his eyes and went to his mother. he was about to enter the house when she suddenly stopped him. "minseok, why are you so impolite? i didn't raise you like that, young boy. why don't you invite your friend over for dinner?"   
  
"he doesn't have time, mom." he mumbled and turned to jongdae, who still stood there awkwardly smiling. "oh? that's a pity." the smile on her face vanished slowly and was replaced by a frown. the other boy cleared his throat, making everyone looking at him. "actually, mrs., i do have time and i gladly accept the offer."   
  
if looks could kill, jongdae would be dead by now.   
  
and the murderer would be called kim minseok.  
  
  
  


"oh, really? now, come in come in. and just call me Bonghee, my love."

that was the first time minseok ate with his family complete.

oh and yeah, jongdae was there, too.

actually, it was his first real meal after months of restricting and starving himself. and let's just say, he acted like he'd been starving, too.

and when jongdae bid the family goodbye, and when minseok went to his room, the guilt started to fill his soul.  
  
  


his stomach was hurting, his body got heavier second by second, and another piece of minseok got destroyed by the endless river of guilt, desperation and self hate.


	7. hok

and there he was again.  
sitting on the toilet, behind the cabin's doors.   
in the boy's bathroom of the school.  
  
  
  
  


and of course, minseok cried. cause just like everybody already knew, that was the only thing he was good at.   
his stomach was hurting because of the lack of food, his head was pounding.   
changmin and his best friends decided to try out how long his head took to actually break in two, just like they had seen on tv.   
that's why they banged his head against the wall several times.   
  
  
luckily, it didn't break.  
  
  
instead it hurt like hell and minseok wasn't so sure if he didn't even have a concussion.   
at least it felt like that.  
and still, all the physical pain he felt wasn't the reason minseok was crying loudly, biting his lip to at least make his sobbing a little quieter.   
  
minseok felt just fat.   
  
after jongdae's visit he had eaten so much and, just like the stupid boy he is, when he weighed himself, he was almost one and a half kilograms heavier! it was painful for him, seeing the red number go up, gram after gram.  
  
  
minseok hated it, he hated it so much.   
  
  
and that's why he decided to fast, at least until he was back at his actual weight.  
  
  
although minseok didn't know what his actual weight was.  
  
  
  
the boy held his breath as he suddenly heard the door being opened. he heard steps coming and felt how the fear was rising up in him. were changmin and his friends back? did they maybe even want to experiment again?   
he heard zippers being opened and blushed in a deep red when the next sound was, well. just the sound people made in a bathroom.  
"ugh, mind telling me again why we chose philosophy over religion?"  
silently, minseok let out a relieved breath. whoever that boy was, it wasn't changmin.  
"because we're like the most unreligious someone can be. and trust me, once we graduated you'll thank me, baek."  
minseok knew that voice, and it made him hold in another loud sob.  
  
  
it was his fault.  
  
  
because of him, minseok had gained weight.  
because of him, minseok still wasn't pretty enough, he still wasn't good enough.  
  
  
after both boys were done with their business and minseok heard them washing their hands, jongdae suddenly spoke up. "wait, isn't that minnie's bag?" minseok could hear the other's worry and he wished he could come out, take his bag and hide back here, but he couldn't. and the last thing he wanted jongdae to do was to worry about someone, no, _something_ like him.   
  
"damn, baek? stay here. i need to find someone." he heard his bag being picked up, a door got opened and somebody left the room.   
  
"this dumb ass, i can't believe-"

it was at that moment where minseok could not bare it any longer. his head war hurting too much, it made him want to throw up right here. and so the boy sobbed loudly, knowing that this 'baek' guy still was there.   
"oh shit, oh shit." the latter seemed to start panicking considering how many 'oh shit's' were leaving his mouth.   
"hey, you there", he knocked on the door, and he sounded worried as well.   
  
the fact that minseok made people worry about his useless existence only made him cry harder.  
  
  
  
and then everything broke down.  
  
  
  
  
he suddenly found it hard to breathe, as if someone was choking him right now.   
his head was pounding, leaving dizziness.   
his vision got blurry and black dots started to appear.   
minseok felt like dying right now.  
  
  
"hey, hey! c'mon don't die now, fuck fuck fuck."  
the others voice got quieter every millisecond, not like minseok actually cared.   
  


  
but it seemed as life didn't want him to die yet.

because he suddenly stood up and bent over the toilet, emptying his stomach. though there wasn't anything to begin with. "are you- oh my, wait."  
minseok couldn't care less about the door which was unlocked at the moment. or the boy who suddenly kneeled next to him, his hand rubbing his back in a soothing way.   
  
all he could think about was the pain he felt, emotionally and physically.  
  
  


after a while, minseok finally was done.   
he could breathe, he could see, he was alive  
  
.  
he slowly calmed down, getting used to his throbbing head. that 'baek' guy didn't say a word at all. minseok expected him to at least say something like 'disgusting' or whatever, but he didn't.   
instead, he flushed the toilet, got up and left and came back with a water bottle and gum.   
he again kneeled down, this time in front of him and passed him the bottle, a soft smile on his lips. "here, drink something. it'll calm your throat." embarrassed as hell, minseok could only nod. he took the bottle and started to take big sips.   
a sigh escaped his lips as he felt the coolness run down his throat, filling his empty stomach.   
his headache slowly faded away and so did his stomach ache.   
  
after he had drunk almost everything, he put the white mint gum in his mouth and gave the boy the bottle back.  
wiping away his dry tears, minseok took a deep breath.  
  
  
"can you get up on your own?"  
  
  
though he nodded softly, the guy helped him up anyway. his legs were a little shaky so he held onto the other's arm for a little support. it seemed like he didn't really mind, though.   
  
  
suddenly the door opened and a heavy breathing jongdae entered the bathroom. "i couldn't find him any- huh?" his worried expression switched to confused, then happy and relieved, and then back to worried. "yah, baekhyun! why didn't you tell me he was with you all the time?"  
minseok glanced over to baekhyun, his eyes telling the other to not talk about what just happened.   
raising his hands, baekhyun only grinned. "don't attack me now, i didn't know he was that minnie dude you like talking about!"  
  
  


jongdae was blushing.

baekhyun was chuckling.

and minseok was confused.  
  
  


jongdae talked about him? what did he say? surely only bad stuff, like how fat he looked in his school uniform...  
  
  
"anyway! minseok, are you okay? here, your bag. you left it outside, you little idiot." passing him the back, jongdae smiled softly at him and ruffled his hair. frowning, minseok only nodded quietly and swung the bag over his shoulders. "is school over for you now?" actually not. minseok still had two lessons of mathematics but with a hurting head he didn't really like the thought of sitting in a room where numbers would make him even more dizzy than he already was. so he shook his head, a small smile covering his face.  
  
"great, we don't either! let's hang out, shall we?"   
"but jongdae, we still have philo-"

"nobody cares about philosophy, byun baekhyun."  
  
  


so they left the school, jongdae on the left and baekhyun on the right side of minseok. they were going to a cafe, which belonged to baekhyun's mother, and though he knew he would either eat lots of cake or nothing at all, and though he knew he'd hate himself even more after that, minseok tried to ignore all the bad thoughts.  
  
because this time, he had friends with him.   
  
  
  
and so minseok smiled and laughed to the jokes the two other boys were telling, leaving a small comment here and there.


	8. chet

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry, it took me a while. next chapter is coming in two days, i guess. please enjoy and leave a comment.

when minseok woke up, he felt happy.

like, he was actually happy.

he now had two friends at school, he wasn't alone anymore.

it was the first time minseok got up with a smile on his face.   
  
he made his bed and took his school uniform with him to the bathroom where he quickly got ready. of course he didn't look in the mirror, he didn't want to ruin his mood. humming a song he once had heard somewhere, minseok went downstairs to see his mother.   
  
"good morning, mom!" he happily greeted her and kissed her cheek. "good morning, my angel. why are you so happy today?" his mother smiled widely.   
she loved seeing her son being like that, all bubbly and happy. she loved seeing her son being like he was before. she just loved seeing minseok smile.   
"i don't know, i just am.", he said while sitting down for breakfast. a few minutes later, his sister came downstairs too. but unlike him, she just mumbled a quiet 'morning' and sat down as well. it was weird for him, seeing his sister at home. she was in the hospital for so long, minseok got used to her not being here.   
ever since minhee came back, his mother made sure they were eating breakfast together. when she also sat down and they all started to eat, his mother spoke up. "i have great news for us!", she smiled brightly. "i will have a job interview this evening and if everything's gonna work out, i'll finally have a better job."   
minseok was proud of his mother, he really was.   
he started praising her, telling her how amazing it is.   
  
"i really hope you get it, mom! good luck!" minhee said and hugged her shortly, before turning back to her food. while the women were eating their food and chatting happily, minseok only watched them smiling. while doing so he managed to put the food into a napkin that was laying on his lap.   
he folded it and hid it in his pocket.   
  
"i'm done now! i will leave, goodbye!" he quickly got up, brought away his plate and bid his family goodbye. still smiling, minseok left the house. on his way to school he threw away the napkin, congratulating himself for being able to avoid eating it.   
  
  
but then he got a message, and the smile vanished.   
  
  
and the boy clenched his fists and bit his lip. reading the message over and over again.   
  
****_\- hello, it's me, baekhyun._  
i just wanted to make sure you don't think we're friends now or anything.   
actually, i felt super disgusted when you touched me with your fat fingers.   
and who would want to befriend you, anyway? j  
ongdae and i, we both felt like showering for hours after you'd left.   
so please, don't think we're friends because we aren't.   
and we'll never be.   
fatass. -   
  
  
laughing quietly, minseok dropped his phone back into his bag.   
  
of course they weren't friends.   
why was he just so stupid?   
  
with his head low, the boy entered the school building, ignoring everything and everyone.   
it's not like anyone talked to him anyway.   
when the bell rang and the lunch break started, minseok immediately walked to the small grass spot he had once eaten with jongdae. back then, when he thought they were friends. with a small sigh, he laid down and closed his eyes. his stomach was growling quietly, wanting to be fed so bad.   
  
"eat the fat, idiot.", he only mumbled. " of course we aren't friends. min- chubby, why are you so stupid? nobody likes to talk to a fat kid like you...", he talked to himself.   
  
"minseok! there you are!" the boy didn't listen, hoping that whoever just called out for him would disappear as fast as they appeared. "minseok!" and of course they didn't.   
groaning a little, minseok opened his eyes and saw baekhyun looking down with a wide smile. "what do you want?", he mumbled and sat up, feeling his body tense a little. "jongdae and i were searching everywhere for you! we figured you wouldn't be in the cafeteria, so we searched in the library and actually everywhere." sitting down on the grass, baekhyun waved his hand to show jongdae, who was a little further away, that he found the missing boy. "and why? i didn't ask you to, did i?"   
minseok couldn't help but feel angry.   
he may was fat, but he surely wasn't dumb and all.   
and he hated it when people lied.   
"idiot.", baekhyun chuckled, taking out his phone. "we are friends, aren't we? you know, friends are supposed to hang out in school."   
"yup, that's what we're for, minnie." finally jongdae arrived as well, sitting next to minseok.   
  
  
"we aren't friends." that sentence wiped away baekhyun's grin, jongdae's eyes widened at the angry looking boy next to him.   
  
  
"o-oh, we aren't?" baekhyun let out a hurt and embarrassed chuckle. "m-my bad, i guess." rolling his eyes, minseok started to rip out the grass. "you said it yourself, so why pretending, baekhyun?" his voice sounded monotone.   
normally minseok would feel like crying but this time he just felt numb. "i never said that!" baekhyun shook his head. "when did i ever say that, minseok?"   
groaning again, minseok took out his phone, unlocked it and showed him the message. "there you go. you were very clear, in my opinion." jongdae snatched the phone from minseok and read the message.   
"minseok, that's not baekhyun's number though. his and mine number ends with a five, and not a two." now it was minseok who widened his eyes, confusion covered his face.   
"but who is it, then?" shrugging, baekhyun turned off minseok's phone, giving it back to him. "someone stupid who clearly doesn't like you having friends. but trust me, jongdae and i really want to be your friends!" jongdae nodded in agreement.   
and minseok sighed.   
he didn't really have anything to lose, did he?   
  
"anyway!" jongdae grinned and took out a notebook from his bag, opening it and showing minseok an application. "what will you do for the 9th graders project? wanna do it together?" frowning, minseok took the application and read it quickly.   
he already had done it two years ago, it was a small project for the 9th grade.   
the students had to create a project for charity, and the best one would get a small price like a cafeteria coupon or something like that.   
nothing special, sadly.   
  
"uh, i don't have to apply there, though..."   
  
"but don't all from grade 9 have to? you'll get a bad mark, minseok." chuckling slightly, minseok shook his head.   
  
  
"you guys do know i'm in grade 11, right?"   
  
silence.   
  
cheeks painted red, embarrassed looks.   
  
whispered apologies and a smiling minseok.   
  
  
"anyway, does anyone here play pubg?"   
  
  
  
"ways to change the subject, baekhyun."   
  
  
"shut up, jongdae."


End file.
